The Birth of Divorce

Ahhhh yes… matrimony. Beginning a new life with just the right person. The big day, the big dress and good old Uncle Bob getting a little frisky with one of the bridesmaids after too much bubbly. The uniting of families, the tears of joy, so much love … and otherwise perfectly respectable women hurling themselves to the floor after some airborne flowers.

Couples plan a wedding. No one plans a divorce. That happens to “other people”.  Until….. it happens to you. So what does it take to kick ‘til death do us part’ to the curb?  Of course, abuse, addiction and cheating notwithstanding, most of us just come to terms – in a myriad of ways – with the fact that we are unhappy…extremely unhappy.

“The pursuit of happiness” … it’s practically an American birthright. After all, our forefathers put it in the Declaration of Independence didn’t they? (Hmm…declaring independence to pursue happiness…does anyone else find this ironic? )   Now we’re not saying life is supposed to be a HUGE promotion at work when you got back from the trip to Tahiti your spouse surprised you with where you had 19 orgasms a day, stuffed yourself with chocolate, all while wearing size 2 jeans with a lifetime of good hair days.

But how unhappy is unhappy enough to leave a marriage?

We all know that marriage takes work. It’s not a burger and super-sized fries at the drive-thru; quick, filling, and requiring little thought or effort. All relationships, like anything else of value in our lives, require care and nurturing … and the occasional pause to “check the oil”.   But what if all best efforts fail?  We try, counseling, books and staying for “ the sake of the kids,” but the dark cloud of disconnect continues to grow.

So we got to wondering, what IS that final straw?

One woman says “ It was when I looked across the room at my husband in the middle of a discussion one Sunday morning and realized I’d never felt lonelier in my entire life.”

“I took my wedding ring off for a particularly messy cooking project and just never put it back on. It had become a symbol of a lie, not a symbol of love.”

A blogger wrote “imagine, going to bed a happy, wealthy man and then waking up to find the creature you’re lying next to is a crazy ass thieving lesbian!!”

Another told us “I worked hard to stay in my marriage FOR the kids, but when faced with totality of the dysfunction, I knew I had to leave my marriage FOR the kids. Now there’s an irony no one talks about.”

Whether you’re contemplating it, going though it or watching a friend or family member struggling with it, it takes over your reality.   You may decide to do it or it is decided for you.

The Birth of Divorce.

Find a way to make THIS your pursuit of happiness.

We want to hear from YOU.  What do YOU think is “unhappy enough” to end a marriage?  What was your “final straw”?

Tracy and Rhonda

“White Wedding – Black Coffee”

So there we were, two moms from the preschool catching up over a cup of coffee.  After a couple of years of volunteering for countless preschool events, we knew we got along very well, we were acquaintances with great friend potential.  Soon, the occasional “got a minute for a cup of coffee?” turned into frequent breakfasts with animated discussions revolving around family life; child rearing, home remodeling,  school and, of course, the occasional dip into the gossip pool about that crazy Stepford mom from Room 6.

Then one day, it all changed.   I told her that my marriage had been crumbling for years and was very likely over.  Shock and disbelief became mutual when she ended a very long silence by uttering the words “So is mine.”    The realization hit us both…. from the outside, our lives looked almost identical, but what we had been sharing with the world and with each other was a facade.   With that revelation, the cheerful, contented smiles exchanged in the preschool lobby and polite small talk at family events – our carefully crafted lives –  were suddenly shattered like an errant baseball through a neighbor’s window.

The dawning of our current realities manifested itself in my dear friend’s wry observation:  “You know, you go to get married and there are countless bridal magazines on the shelves; but go to get a divorce, nothing. Where’s ‘Divorce Illustrated’ when you need it?”

Realizing we weren’t alone in our struggles with the disappointment, pain, isolation and confusion of contemplating and getting a divorce, we set out to establish what you are reading right now…”Divorce Illustrated.”   Facing divorce, custody issues, finances and the stark reality of resurfacing as a single person, we had a lot more questions than answers  – not the least of which was who’s going to want to date a single mother, pushing 40 with her own boobs in LA???  And so began an entirely new set of conversations.

We know what you are going through.  We hope that our stories and those of others will help provide kernels of truth, wisdom, insight and information so that you too, can turn lemons into lemonade….. or chase that lemon with salt and a shot of tequila if that works for you. We know that laughter is the best medicine and so here we are dedicated to tackling a dark and sad subject with humor, wit and love.

Rhonda and Tracy